Why You Can’t Just “Let It Go”: The Hidden Trauma Behind Holding On
You’ve probably heard it a hundred times—“just let it go.” Maybe it came from a friend, a partner, or even a well-meaning therapist. But instead of helping, it made something inside you tighten. You’re not resistant because you enjoy clinging to pain. You’re holding on because somewhere deep in your nervous system, letting go still doesn’t feel safe.
If you find yourself replaying old conversations, circling back to past relationships, or stuck in cycles of emotional over-analysis—you’re not broken. You’re in a survival loop. Letting go isn’t a switch you flip. It’s a healing process your body has to believe is safe.
What You’re Really Holding On To
You’re not attached to the memory itself—you’re holding on to the meaning it carries. Often that meaning is tied to identity, belonging, or emotional safety.
For clients who grew up in invalidating, narcissistic, or emotionally neglectful environments, the nervous system often never got a chance to process what happened. So instead of completing the experience, the body stores it.
That stuckness isn’t weakness. It’s a form of protection.
Why Letting Go Feels Unsafe—And What’s Happening Underneath
If your earliest relationships were unstable, controlling, or unpredictable, then vigilance became your norm. You learned to scan for emotional threats. You adapted by bracing—always preparing for the next hit, the next disappointment.
In those systems, letting go would’ve been dangerous. It would’ve made you too open, too vulnerable. So of course, your system resists it now.
This is why “just let it go” feels like an insult. Because no one sees the cost.
The truth is: your nervous system doesn’t understand that the danger has passed. Your body is doing its best to keep you alive—not realizing it’s over.
Reach out now for a free consultation.
5 Grounded, Trauma-Informed Ways to Start Letting Go
Letting go doesn’t begin with a choice. It begins with safety. Below are five realistic, embodied ways to help your system loosen its grip—without abandoning the parts of you that have been holding on.
1. Get curious about the part that won’t let go
Instead of fighting with yourself, ask: What is this part protecting me from? In IFS (Internal Family Systems), every “stuck” part has a purpose. Often, it’s guarding you from feeling grief, betrayal, or powerlessness. Listening to it—without trying to fix it—builds trust.
2. Use EMDR to unstick what’s looping
When your brain can’t complete a traumatic memory, it replays like a broken record. EMDR helps process the memory so your body knows it’s no longer happening. Instead of “letting go,” your system finally feels done.
3. Create a ritual of release
Letting go isn’t always verbal. Burn the letter. Tear the photo. Write a goodbye in the sand. Symbolic actions help your body feel closure—not just think it.
4. Ground in the now before revisiting the past
Start by anchoring in your senses: what do you see, hear, feel in the moment? Once your body is regulated, then revisit the memory. This gives your system a sense of choice and control—what was missing the first time.
5. Grieve what never happened
Sometimes what we hold on to isn’t what occurred, but what didn’t. The apology you never got. The parent who never saw you. The relationship that never reached its potential. Giving yourself permission to grieve those absences is part of the healing.
This Is What Real Trauma Therapy Looks Like
In my practice, I never ask clients to “let go” before their system is ready. That’s not healing—it’s bypassing. Instead, we work gently and collaboratively. Through EMDR, ego state therapy, and mindfulness-based methods, we help your nervous system feel safe enough to release. Not because someone told you to. But because you’re finally ready.
You’re not too sensitive. You’re not overthinking. You’re responding exactly the way someone with a complex trauma history would.
And you don’t have to keep holding it alone.
Frequently Asked Questions
Why does it feel impossible to let go of things that happened years ago? Your body may still register the event as unresolved or unsafe. Letting go isn’t just emotional—it’s neurological and somatic.
Can EMDR really help with this? Yes. EMDR is an evidence-based method that helps your brain file the memory into the past, instead of leaving it stuck in the present.
What if I don’t feel ready to let go? That’s okay. In my approach, we honor the part that isn’t ready. That’s how true healing happens—by working with your resistance, not against it.
I don’t have a big trauma story. Is this still for me? Yes. Emotional neglect, gaslighting, invalidation, and chronic stress can all lead to stuck survival loops. You don’t need a dramatic story to be deeply affected—or to heal.
Where do you offer therapy? I offer virtual trauma therapy across Connecticut and in Madison, CT. If you’re ready to stop carrying it all alone, I’d love to support you.