Why You Keep Choosing Emotionally Unavailable People
Trauma therapy for adults in Madison, CT and across Connecticut
You know how it plays out.
They seem open at first. They’re charming, maybe even deep. They tell you you're easy to talk to. That they’ve never felt this safe. And then—slowly or all at once—they pull away. They become distant. They stop showing up. Or they stay, but you can feel them disappear in the room.
And you wonder what you did wrong. Again.
If this sounds familiar, you’re not broken. You’re likely stuck in a pattern that began long before dating apps, adult relationships, or conscious choices. This isn’t about your taste. It’s about your nervous system. And it’s trying to protect you in all the wrong ways.
The Attraction Isn’t Random—It’s Repetition
If you’ve grown up in an environment where love was inconsistent, conditional, or emotionally distant, your system may have learned to equate “almost enough” with love.
You may have been praised for not needing much. Or you were punished—directly or silently—for having emotional needs. You learned to attune to others instead of yourself.
So when someone becomes inconsistent, distant, or hard to read? You don’t run. You lean in. You try harder. You call it chemistry.
It’s not chemistry. It’s familiarity.
Why Your System Thinks Unavailable = Safe
It sounds backwards, doesn’t it?
Why would your body seek closeness with someone who keeps you anxious, second-guessing, or emotionally starving?
Because your nervous system is wired for what it survived—not what it deserves.
Emotionally available love may feel foreign, boring, or even threatening. Being seen fully—without proving, pleasing, or chasing—feels unfamiliar. Unsafe.
That’s not a personality flaw. It’s a survival adaptation.
The Loop Looks Like This:
You're drawn to potential—not presence
You fall for intensity—not intimacy
You mistake anxiety for connection
You override your needs so they’ll stay
You abandon yourself trying to get someone else to choose you
And when it ends, it’s not just grief—it’s confirmation of an old belief: “I’m too much. I’m not enough. I have to work for love.”
This is the emotional residue of early attachment wounds and unmet needs. And it doesn’t shift with insight alone.
Why Self-Awareness Hasn't Changed the Pattern
By now, you might know exactly what’s happening.
You’ve read the books. You’ve journaled. You’ve done talk therapy. You can name the cycle in real-time—but you can’t stop yourself from falling into it.
That’s because patterns rooted in trauma don’t live in your logic—they live in your body.
You’re not stuck because you don’t understand. You’re stuck because your system still thinks this kind of love is all it gets.
What Healing Looks Like
Healing this isn’t about blaming yourself. It’s about helping your nervous system learn something new.
This is where EMDR, ego state therapy, and mindfulness come in—not as buzzwords, but as actual, embodied healing tools:
EMDR helps desensitize and reprocess the old relational imprints that keep choosing pain in new faces. It rewires how your system responds to triggers, abandonment, or rejection—so you stop reacting from the past.
Ego State Therapy gives space to the parts of you that still long for love from unavailable places. These parts aren’t wrong—they’re loyal to a very old hope. In session, we help them feel safe enough to let go.
Mindfulness, in this context, isn’t about calming down—it’s about building awareness without collapse. It helps you track what’s happening in your body, so you can respond rather than reenact.
Together, these approaches support you in moving from “why does this keep happening?” to “I see it. I feel it. And I’m free to choose differently now.”
Real Healing Isn’t About Swearing Off Love
It’s about learning how to receive it—without working for it. Without shrinking for it. Without losing yourself in pursuit of crumbs.
The goal isn’t to become hyper-independent or emotionally detached. It’s to learn how to stay connected to yourself even when someone else pulls away.
That’s what ends the loop. That’s what creates real safety.
If This Is the Pattern You’re Tired Of—Let’s Break It
You don’t need to settle for confusion, longing, or "almost" love.
I work with adults across Connecticut who are ready to shift from anxious, unavailable dynamics into relationships that actually meet them. Not just romantically, but internally.
This isn’t about becoming unbothered. It’s about becoming clear. And from that clarity, you begin to choose differently—not just in love, but in everything.
Reach out to see how we can work together for a free consult.
FAQ: Emotionally Unavailable Relationships & Attachment Healing
Q: What causes me to keep falling for emotionally unavailable people? It often stems from early relational dynamics—particularly emotional neglect, inconsistency, or conditional love. These early imprints create a nervous system “template” for what feels familiar, not necessarily what’s safe.
Q: I know I do this, but I can’t stop. Can therapy actually help? Yes. Awareness is a starting point, but nervous system work—like EMDR, ego state therapy, and somatic practices—helps shift the response at its root, not just in your thoughts.
Q: What’s the difference between EMDR and regular talk therapy? Talk therapy can help you understand patterns. EMDR helps you discharge the emotional charge so those patterns no longer control your reactions. It’s a body-first approach to relational healing.
Q: Do you work with clients outside of Madison? Yes. I offer virtual EMDR and trauma therapy across Connecticut, including Clinton, Guilford, New Haven, Hartford, and beyond.